Tired of being a doormat? Learn to stand your ground by setting boundaries
An old acquaintance was chatting with me recently about general stuff. The conversation drifted into uncomfortable territory where she was delving into topics that I simply could not relate to: her experimentation with drugs and her escapades involving wild, lavish parties with the rich and famous. Yawn.
I didn’t say much but ended the conversation politely. I reflected on it a fair bit, noting how it made me feel yucky inside. I noticed how her lifestyle choices did not resonate with mine and I realized I actually had little in common with her. I vowed to make it clear to her the next time we spoke, that these topics were off grounds for me.
I received a text from her a few days later asking to chat. I politely conveyed these topics of conversation did not sit well with me. She swiftly responded by blocking me everywhere on social media, email, you name it with no explanation. Wow.
She clearly did not like my boundary. It touched a nerve, which I found initially to be kind of odd because I made a simple but firm request. But I was not entirely surprised by her extreme reaction.
I am a highly sensitive empath. I am tolerant and I’ll listen to a lot of things. I always want to be a good, loyal friend. And I want to help everyone, sometimes at the expense of my self-interest and well-being. When I don’t pay attention to how I’m responding to people I’m interacting with, I can become a bit of a doormat and my energy gets sucked dry.
This year has been my year of learning how to set boundaries.
I’m on a roll! I’m setting all kinds of boundaries with friends and family, including my kids who have taken me for granted. I’m setting them with colleagues and associates who don’t have the simple courtesy to respond to deadlines or emails in a timely fashion. I’m no longer the doormat and I’ve transformed into the door – and it shuts firmly when the situation calls for it.
Why are boundaries important?
Because they protect your time and energy. They are an integral part of your self-care and you have every right to protect and guard your energy carefully. Clear boundaries let people know where they stand with you, in no uncertain terms.
How do you set boundaries?
By being assertive and standing up for yourself! Here are some common situations and how you can simply say No:
· Identify the things that are sucking your energy: maybe you’ve overextended yourself volunteering at odd hours. Speak up and say No to new commitments or take a break.
· If your boss keeps dumping new projects on you, ask for help or some accommodations, like working flex hours or remotely so you don’t burn out and get sick.
· If you’re being pressured to buy something, it’s completely fine to say “I’ll think about it and I’ll get back to you shortly” with no further explanation required. If you’re still pressured to respond, get comfortable with standing your ground: let them know firmly that you’ll be in touch on your terms. Be succinct and don’t ramble.
· If you’ve got kids or family members that don’t respect your household rules, make the consequences of not following them crystal clear and then take whatever action is needed, like removing privileges and refusing to pay for things that they’ve taken for granted. Don’t be afraid to show them some tough love!
· If someone overly criticizes you, politely but firmly tell them that their comments are not welcome and end the conversation. My mom had a habit of always commenting about my hair: how I should always be wearing it up in a tidy, neat bun because she likes seeing me like that. I finally told her I love having my long locks draping my neck, and that it’s my choice because it’s my hair – and that ended that conversation for good.
· Protect your mind and spirit from information overload. Reduce your time on social media, news apps and other tech distractions. Set a clear boundary and stick to it to preserve your sanity from disinformation, misinformation, social media arguments with friends, bots and strangers and everything in between. You’ll have more energy, you’ll feel calmer, happier and you’ll sleep better at night!
If someone doesn’t like your boundaries, that’s their problem, not yours.
As for my friend who angrily blocked me as a way of setting her boundary, I’m totally cool with that. Perhaps I taught her something by setting the example of how I want and deserve to be treated, which is pretty awesome.
Being assertive is healthy for you because it limits your exposure to toxic people and situations. It takes lots of practice to set good boundaries. And remember you can’t control anyone else and their reaction – just focus on yourself. Step out of the need to explain yourself or defend your boundary. And there’s never any apology required.
If your gut says a boundary is needed, listen to it and set one.
Find your backbone. Stand straight and firmly rooted. Get super comfortable with standing your ground because it’s good for you!
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. – Brené Brown
Want to learn more about grounding? Check out The Little Book of Grounding: 75+ simple ways to restore balance to your mind-body-spirit using ancient Ayurvedic teachings for today’s world. Available now through Amazon and all major book distributors worldwide.
Have a beautiful week!