You know that energy zap that happens when you’ve been drained mentally, physically and spiritually by someone? Well, I had that happen to me last night by a family member.
We got into an intense discussion about a lot of things. A heated argument quickly escalated into an onslaught of one-sided personal attacks on me. Strangely enough, I did not feel much anger inside me rising. These verbal attacks have happened many times before. This time, I was able to recognize that this person’s anger was stemming from a lot of pain. Some of it was righteous anger, some wasn’t. I owned up to the pain I unknowingly caused her. But she persisted with trying to inflict her pain on me. She wanted me to suffer and she tuned out anything I had to say. All attempts to reason were met with rage and hostility. It felt unfair and unjust to be on the receiving end, and extremely hurtful but I managed to maintain my composure through the ring of fire.
I woke up early this morning trying to reflect calmly on the conflict. I was deeply saddened by it. I began wondering if I was all the names I was being called by this person. I was called every name in the book. I questioned where I went wrong. I was trying to objectively examine my faults. But I was conscious enough not to bring myself down by them. Negative emotions, like feeling like a failure, especially when internalized have been scientifically shown to cause inflammation in the mind and body. I began searching for a way to process these yucky feelings in a healthy way, and then just finding a way to let them go.
I went on a long walk with my dog, Sam. He knew my mood this morning and I chatted with him as we walked. I noticed how he loved me unconditionally. If I screwed up with him, he always forgave me. He always has a bear hug for me.
As you can see, Sam is a large, playful chocolate Labradoodle. We call him our bear dog. It’s natural for him to give phenomenal bear hugs with no strings attached and never any judgment. Bear dog therapist might be his new name, complete with title LOL.
On my walk, I reflected on this difficult relationship. Sure, I have my faults. Everyone does. No one is perfect and I’m far from perfect. I wished there was a way I could fix my past mistakes. But I can’t go back in time. I wished I could forgive myself effortlessly like Sam does.
There is a way. Self-acceptance is the precursor to self-compassion and forgiveness.
Self-acceptance means accepting who you are, warts and all. No human is perfect. That includes me. We all make mistakes, some consciously but many are unconsciously from our level of awareness at that time in our life.
Once you accept who you are without any judgment, you can begin to build self-compassion by doing the following:
Take care of your mind, body and spirit. After a highly charged or uncomfortable experience, take some downtime to nurture yourself. Sleep. Take a long bath. Eat something nourishing. Spend time outdoors and ground with nature. Do whatever rejuvenates you.
Talk it out. Speak with a friend or a loved one and share your feelings. Pay attention to how you’re relaying the story and listen to the words you’re using. Are they emotionally charged? Are they a true reflection of the situation? Notice unhealthy language and let it go. Listen to the advice you’re getting. A good, trusted confidante will tell you that you’re fine, just as you are. Seek the help of a good therapist or health coach if needed.
Realize that there are circumstances that are often out of your control. Shit happens. Not everything is necessarily about you. Sometimes conflicts bubble up for many reasons. Separate facts from fiction and gently let go of whatever wild thoughts are swirling around in your mind
Just breathe. When you’re in the middle of any conflict, notice and focus on your breath. If it’s shallow, breathe deep into your belly. Slow, mindful deep breathing will provide you with an anchor to stay calm and centred. Your breath is vital to your very existence; love yourself enough to check in daily to notice how you’re breathing.
Practice mindfulness through meditation. Sitting in silence for just a few minutes a day allows us to cultivate a healthy, thoughtful response to any situation.
Practice positive self-talk. Refrain from saying things like “I’m so stupid”. Focus on the behaviour instead and not the label, such as “this wasn’t a very good decision”. Notice your positive qualities and characteristics – maybe you’re generous, thoughtful, kind, loving and resilient by nature. As you begin to do this, you’ll notice your faults begin to fade away and become less important. Others will notice a positive shift in your mindset too.
Adopt an attitude of gratitude. When you feel dragged down by any situation, remind yourself there’s always something to be grateful for. Find three things in the moment to help shift your mindset into gratitude.
Journal your thoughts. This allows you to express your feelings on paper and end rumination and runaway negative self-talk. You’re able to explore patterns related to how you really feel about yourself. You can also write down daily affirmations to build self-compassion and resilience, simply writing things like “no matter what happens today, I will be kind and loving to myself.”
Compare yourself to no one. The minute you stop comparing yourself to others, feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem will begin to drop away. You’ll feel better about yourself and will feel less anxious and stressed out – who cares about what others really think? A mentor once shared this gem: it’s none of your business what others think about you and it was one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received to help me make peace with my self-worth. Let go of the need for external validation – even from family members.
Play like a kid again. Do something for the sheer fun of it. Take in a dance class. Soar high on a swing at the playground. Get out for a night on the town or take a mini-vacation. When you simply play and enjoy being in the moment, stressful situations don’t weigh you down as much. You’re able to bounce back faster.
Forgiving yourself comes naturally as you begin cultivating self-compassion. It takes time. Be patient, gentle, kind and understanding to yourself every day regardless of any situation you’re in. As you begin to forgive yourself, you’ll notice you begin to forgive and accept others too, just as they are.
If your compassion doesn’t include yourself, it is incomplete – Jack Kornfield, famous American author and Buddhist practitioner.
It often takes a long time to reverse a negative relationship. Sometimes it just can’t be done. But I’m hopeful this one will change one day for the better. It begins with me because I can’t change anyone else except myself. I need to take care of myself first before I can give back to any relationship. So I’m going to be super kind and gentle with myself today. I’m going to make peace with my heavy heart and all of my imperfections. My so-called imperfections make me unique and are someone else’s perceptions of me - they’re not my beliefs and don’t define who I am. I am perfectly unique. I’m going to sit in the sunshine, walk barefoot in the grass and recharge my spirit. And then I’m going to rest my tired soul.
Some great links to explore:
5 Steps to Develop Self-Compassion and Overcome your Inner Critic
Self-Compassion.org - by Dr. Kristin Neff
The Transformative Effects of Mindful Self-Compassion
If this post resonated with you, check out my latest book The Little Book of Grounding: 75+ ways to restore balance to your mind-body-spirit using ancient Ayurvedic teachings for today’s world.
Have a beautiful week!