Been ghosted? Here's how to deal with it
Have you had the misfortune of encountering a ghost lately?
I’m not talking about Casper the Friendly Ghost (for those of you old enough to remember), but the bizarre phenomenon of being “ghosted” by someone.
What is “ghosting”? It’s when someone you’ve been communicating with over seemingly normal terms suddenly disappears into thin air. They stop communicating with you: they don’t respond to your texts, social media, emails or calls. No explanation given, they just drop you like a hot potato and pouf … they’re gone.
Typically, ghosting has been known to happen among friends, even family members. But it’s also on the rise in business relationships. One client shared that after an interview for a consulting opportunity, she was verbally offered a lucrative contract with a start date. She was super excited about the new opportunity. However, the contract never arrived in her inbox. Her calls and emails to the company were ignored and she was given the silent treatment.
A friend who freelances like me shared that she was working on a project for a client who seemed genuinely pleased with her work. Then out of the blue, the assignments stopped with no explanation given. Nada. Any attempts by her to reach out to the company for feedback on her performance were completely ignored. Wow.
Ghosting is a form of passive-aggressive behaviour that seems to be spreading like wild fire. It’s even being “normalized.” But I’m going to go out on a limb and call it for what it is – it’s a mental disorder.
People have lost all common etiquette when it comes to interpersonal communication.
Whatever happened to the golden rule “treat others the way you want to be treated”?
Sadly, society has evolved into a cold place where very few people really give a damn about anyone other than themselves. It’s all about “me” and who cares about “you.” And they don’t think twice about the repercussions of their self-centred behaviour on another person.
Ghosting sucks. It’s a form of psychological abuse inflicted on another person with 0 closure for the person on the receiving end. It’s extremely hurtful, without a doubt.
Understandably, it would be a totally normal reaction to self-question why you were ghosted. What did you say? What did you do? Should I try reaching out one more time? You might even question your own self-worth and take on some of the blame, or shame, or feelings of inadequacy. Confusion, anger and sadness are also common emotions you might have in the aftermath.
Ghosting is not about you.
It’s typically about what the ghoster is going through at a mental and emotional level.
Why do people ghost?
I’ve come up with a few reasons why ghosting is on the rise:
1. People have lost touch with who they are and have become devoid of normal human emotions thanks to technology. In a busy, tech-driven world where everything is online, it’s super easy to ditch someone with a click, or to send their messages to spam. Technology has overridden emotions like kindness, empathy, compassion and mutual courtesy and respect. Apathy and insensitivity have taken over with more people acting like zombies.
2. People have become cowards. They lack the courage, integrity and maturity to be straightforward with you.
3. People are consumed with their own problems, fears and stresses. A mental switch has been flicked off where they no longer want to interact with anyone that might add to their personal stress levels or discomfort. Maybe you offer an alternative perspective that doesn’t resonate with their personal narrative, and so you become a threat that needs to be terminated.
Ghosting is not about you. This deserves mentioning again. The person doing the ghosting has their own issues, likely one of the reasons I’ve mentioned above. Avoid assuming any guilt, shame or self-doubt.
How to handle being ghosted
· Release any pain and hurt feelings. Your feelings are real and valid. Process them by talking them out with a good friend, or journaling. If needed, work with a qualified therapist or a certified health coach to unload your emotions and find ways to move past the experience. Ultimately, you’ll need to find closure to the question “why did they stop talking to me” because you most probably will never know why.
· Take care of yourself. Immerse yourself in some extra self-care and do things you enjoy, spend time with people who make you laugh and feel awesome. Watch some comedy, sleep more, get a massage, indulge in some comfort food, enjoy some wine – all in moderation, of course. Love yourself more!
· Stay true to your morals and values by going the extra mile to show kindness to others. Step up who you are in your daily interactions with people by showing them more empathy, compassion and kindness. When you help other people feel good, you feel awesome and the ripple effect makes our world a better, more human and kinder place.
· Try some reiki or acupuncture to open up your heart chakra, or energy centre, to release pain and negative energy so you don’t slump into a depression. It’s important to heal your heart and keep it healthy and open to new relationships and experiences.
· Ground yourself daily. Get outdoors for a brisk walk, irrespective of the weather. Fill your lungs with fresh air. Walk barefoot on the ground, if it’s not too cold or go into the woods and hug a tree. Stay hydrated by drinking extra water. Eat wholesome, nutritious meals. Meditate or spend some time sitting in silence every day, maybe over a cup of coffee. When you practice conscious grounding, you begin listening to your gut and the messages it’s sending you about any situation.
Resolve to put any ghosting experience behind you by putting a smile on your face every day. With time spent on self-care and reflection, you have the power to turn any ghosting experience into one that teaches you how to become more emotionally resilient and mentally stronger.
I asked my client whose consultancy contract vanished into thin air if she would have been happy working at a place with a passive-aggressive culture. She gave me a resounding No. Ditto for my friend who was ditched from her freelancing assignment without any communication. They were both able to find closure after self-reflection, meditation and mindfulness work.
Let the ghosting experience reveal your self-worth and personal power, and stand proudly in it.
Remember, the ghoster doesn’t have the upper hand when you’re dropped. You do.
You can use the experience to evolve, build resiliency and move on to better quality heart-centred relationships.
When words and actions are both true and kind, they can change the world. – Buddha.
Be the change for the betterment of humanity.
Have a blessed weekend!
To book a free discovery call to learn about how health coaching can help you, visit my website at karensibal.com